25 3 / 2012
Extremely loud spanish music.
;I can literally feel the anxiety dispersing through a gentle yet evident tingle in my legs.
The combination of the first thing and the latest thing are causing this girl to lack heavily in a thing she most desperately needs.
Sleep, I miss you… Let’s be friends again, okay? thanks.
Alas, I can not only & simply complain… My neighbor friends are having a good time, & the internet is defying the norm by functioning with great ease tonight.
In other news:
**I saw “The Hunger Games” on friday. & my advice to you is; read the book. Not only just in the case of “The Hunger Games”… but with any book in any case. Reading is good.
**The talent of my friends has been exceedingly apparent lately. I’m on this mission to surround myself with as much talent as humanly possible, out of a selfish hopefulness that even a triffling amount will rub off on me. It’s worth a shot, right? …plus I find their spirits invigorating & completely contagious;SCORE!
**I’m slowly learning the difference between my “job” and my “purpose”, & working desperately to fuse the two together, which may result in eliminating one entirely? (More to come on this later). (I know… the suspense is killing you, right? Well stop… everybody loves a good cliff hanger).
**The depth of my insecurities are seemingly entering an overflow, which I never thought possible. I’ve always known it to be a struggle, but as a result of it’s deep roots… I’ve became complacent to accept the struggle rather than hurdle over it.
…See, I have this constant, overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. I’m not entirely sure where it stems from? & it sounds completely depressing now that I’m actually writing it down. But it’s not. I like to think a lot of it has to do with the amount of love I have for the Lord… & this is something I can not even begin to explain to you in words.
To Him, I owe my entire life, I have known no greater love, nor will I ever. He takes my breath away, & yet at the same time… He is the very air that I breathe.
As a result of all this love, I am completely aware of my tendencies to be, for lack of a better word, human. I know that I am totally undeserving of this unworldly love that God has shown me; which in a sense, is a favorable attribute (If I do say so myself). The word tells us to be humble before God. However, the whole thing kind of back-fires on me and I end up pushing away the very love I am so hungry for. I push it away because the more I learn, and read, the more I realize how great He is and how altogether un-great I am. (yep, un-great, it’s a word)
Most recently, some very good friends have pointed out to me that If all this is true; If I refuse to let go of this sense of unworthiness I have for myself, then I am denying Christ of the love He selflessly poured out for me. I might as well be staring Jesus in the face and saying “hey, thanks for dying for me and all that… but I can’t seem to earn it, therefore I don’t want it… so thanks, but no thanks.”
Acceptance; The act of taking or receiving something offered, the act of assenting or believing, the fact or state of being accepted; acceptable.
I need to learn to be more accepting of this Love He’s shown me. Not because I want it, or because I feel like it’s something I’ve earned… but because God WANTS me to have it. & I simply refuse to refuse God… If He wants me to have it, it’s obviously something I need; a seemingly simple lesson… that is so hard for me to grasp.
But I’m learning, & I’m trying… and I think you should too. What is mine doesn’t have to be yours, but we all need a little lovin, don’t ya think?
I think we do… so in hindsight, I urge you to accept the love the universe throws your way. You may not always be deserving of it, but that’s why they call it love, my friends. If we only received love every time we “deserved” it… we’d be a loveless folk. But were not a loveless folk. We are beautifully human… created to both give and accept one of the greatest things to have ever happened to this planet. Love is big, it’s loud, & it’s powerful… let it have power over your life; Not because you accomplished it, but because you adore it.
& I adore YOU.
I want you to have all the love this world has to offer… so don’t refuse me by being proud. :)
It’s yours for the taking.
Take it & then give it right back out to the world. You’ll find it’s a very wonderful and endless cycle.
Thank you, once again for reading through the madness. I wish I could tell you how much it means to me, but words simply aren’t strong enough.
I’m praying for you.
& I LOVE YOU.